Day 51 - There's something about this season...

There's something about the Easter season that puts me in a funk. I suppose much of it could be linked to the fact that I am an emotional person - great for my artistic side - not always great for my daily life. I know that the focus is supposed to be on the Gift and the miracles of Easter but I am always floored by the great sadness and loss of the season. I think that our own personal loss over the last few years adds to that and as a result, I am a mess.

I think though that as the sun begins to peak at us again I can almost 'see' the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been a very long winter and I need it to be spring! I find my fingers yearning for the newness of the bamboo and cottons but my soul is still in wool! I love the Aran afghan project that keeps my mind engaged in the challenge and not focused on the dreariness of the season. I started a sweater for Meag and my lovely yarn for Sean's cotton bamboo sweater arrived, but using them this week amid the rain and flooding seems wrong. So the Aran is keeping me in my comfort zone. Today as I wait for my kids to come in and look out the window, I'm yearning to be home getting back into it!

Day 50 - The sunny weather is calling to my wool-covered fingers!

And it's screaming for something lighter! Although my progress on the Aran Afghan is steadily moving forward, and Sean's black and gold afghan is coming along nicely, there is a yearning from within for cottons and bamboo! I found a handsome sweater in an old Interweave magazine (Summer 2008) that Sean really liked. After trying to find the yarn locally and failing, I tried a few other types to see if there was something I could substitute and be happy with. Having worked with bamboo before and knowing how it lends itself to a luxurious drape, I cut my losses and ordered the yarn on-line. I figured that if my 16 year old son is asking me to knit "that sweater" for him, my chances of him wearing it are much greater if it turns out just like "that sweater!" I was amazed that my Thursday evening order arrived early on Saturday and he loved the yarn so 'yeah Mom!'

Meaghan also picked out a cute little summery-lacey long sleeved-t in a Verbena magazine and I found a great Debbie Bliss Bamboo Merino to use in a buttery yellow. She's so excited and I've just created my first chart...the one in the magazine was so tiny! I'm so happy to have something summery to knit in between my wool projects. I am itching for Spring and Summer and cannot wait to spend more days in the sunshine. For now, I'll have to settle for knitting in sunshiney-yellow!

Day 49 - each stitch represents progress and change

These are the things I need to remember! With every stitch I make, I witness the knotting of yarn turning into something amazing. They are the baby steps that lead to greatness! This is where my focus needs to be. When I'm knitting, I can tune out all of the petty people, the dishonesty we face daily and the purely cruel behavior of people who are supposed to be professional. I need to channel that in every moment of my days just to get through!

I do realize that there needs to be change and challenge. Right now for example, I am knitting the baby fern for a block of Sean's afghan. It started out great and moves quickly, but holy moly am I BORED! It's tedious! I should be sailing through but I'm making careless mistakes, measuring it every 5 minutes to see how much closer to done I am! This is not how it's supposed to be. I find my mind wandering to that next Aran square I want to start! Or that yarn I need to order to start the sweater Sean wants! I'm only on square 4 of the afghan though so I cannot lose steam already! I guess I'll have to chose more challenging squares for his project and start those others too!

Change and challenge make me happy! Bring it on world!

Day 48 - 10 days...where have they gone?

Well, I have not been doing a good job of keeping up with this blog and to those who are/were reading faithfully, I am sorry. I will do better.

On a happier note, I've been able to get a lot done over the last 10 days. The house and yard are shaping up nicely. This weekend full of sunshine filled my lungs and my spirit with positively wonderful happiness! I have successfully completed several squares for Sean's afghan. I'm now working on a baby fern leaf pattern to replace the April square which I didn't really love. I also think I may in fact do more than the 12 squares for this so it's a bit larger for my tall kiddo. We'll see! I guess I love that I am embracing the freedom of this project. I do have the expectation of finishing 1 block per month, but they're so easy I can do more and other projects at the same time.

With that in mind, I began my journey into Aran kitting and began my first block of my Great Aran Afghan. I chose a lovely pattern that had cables winding majestically up and down the center. I had a little trouble beginning but a Ravelry friend graciously emailed me some charts she'd made and that was a life saver! I completed my first square on Friday evening and was thrilled! It did turn out the wrong size, 10 X 11 1/2 (they're supposed to be 12 x 12) but I'm hoping I an block it to the correct measurements. We'll see I guess!

Anyway, I learned that I can really tackle new and complicated endeavors and come out on top! I think if I applied this to my current situation, it may look like a new job! Or perhaps a new path on this overall journey. The possibilities are like the Spring sunshine, I am glowing and invigorated to see what each new day and each new stitch brings!

Day 47 - A week full of lessons

This has been a very long week of busy schedules both at home and at work. Teaching music means that your day never really ends. There are meetings to fight against the cuts to your program, there are daily rehearsals after school for any number of things, currently for tonight's big talent show. Then there are the hours of correcting and planning for the upcoming lessons. With our field, the material is always changing. You can't teach the same music year after year because you have many of the same students year after year. There is little time to do things outside of this realm but I did try to sneak a few rows of my first Great Aran Afghan square in this week. That was a big mistake!

Since the group meets Monday nights and those now are also the "try to save the music" nights, I cannot actually get to the shop to get the help and advice needed. So I decided to go it alone....seems to be this year's theme for my life. Anyway, I have knitted and ripped the same 8 or so rows over and over. I am not sure what I'm doing wrong and can't really ask anyone. I guess that the changes that have led to this point happened for a reason, but I really don't know what that reason is right now. What I do know it that the places in which my life crosses are the places that make me most uncomfortable. Just like those problem rows where I know the only way out is to rip it, when the problems from work now live at my 'safe' place, I guess I have to find a new safe place.

Day 46 - The end of something comforting

Today is bitter sweet. I have knitted the last stitch, sewn the last button and woven the last end of Nanny's sweater. This project has been two years in the making. It's not that it was that difficult a sweater to make, but rather it was a project with a lot of emotional ties that had a long time to sit until I was ready to face it again. This yarn and pattern was purchased with the last Christmas gift from my mother-in-law. I began it in the hospital and worked on it in the rehab facility and finished most of the body back at the hospital. Noreen really seemed pleased to see it's development. If truth be told, I was unsure I'd ever be able to finish it. It's only the third sweater I've ever made. Noreen never got to see it completed.
http://www.ravelry.com/projects/cleary/nannys-sweater

Last year I tried to finish it but realized that sleeves I made were two different sizes. I could have fudged a bit and lived with it but I couldn't bring myself to settle for that. I ripped them out and again it sat. Around Christmas time, i realized that we were coming up on two years since Noreen passed and I really had to get the sweater out again. It would not have made Noreen happy to see it sit wasted. So I began again.

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/cleary/nannys-sweater

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/cleary/nannys-sweater

Yesterday I spent the day with good friends and learned how to 'set in' sleeves and I got them set in and seemed up. Today I knitted the collar and button band, sewed the buttons on and wove in all the ends. And that's it. That is the end. This is the end of my time with Noreen. I know intellectually that every time I wear it, I'll think of her and know that she's with me. It's just that the process of knitting this sweater always helped me to remember her and feel like she was still here. Another ending. Another change. Something else is about to begin!

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/cleary/nannys-sweater

Day 45 - Time spent learning, growing and cherishing every moment

Today I finally made it to Woolworks and was struck by how although it's been so long since I've been able to spend time with my friends there, it felt like coming home. There were new relatives to meet and although they are now the regulars and I was the 'new one' to them, I still felt completely at ease and happy. Such lovely new people. I miss that time I used to be able to find for me. I'm determined to find that again.

Jen was so gracious and patient with my learning process as she taught me how to 'set in' my sleeves to Nanny's sweater. Unlike the old days when I would happily let her teach me by doing it for me, today I needed to understand every step and do it myself. She was great about helping me when I was afraid to do it wrong and so wonderfully patient when I constantly asked "is this right?" It is so important to get this one right and to settle for mistakes today is not an option. At one point, I'd realized I'd done something wrong and it wasn't a problem to rip it out and do it right. I really feel like I hit a new level of understanding today. And not just about the sweater! I have about 5 more ends to weave in and then tomorrow I will lovingly knit the collar band and the button band on both sides and I will be done completely. When I try it on with the sleeves all done, I am so excited. I think Noreen would have been so please with this use of the Christmas gift money! I think she would have been proud to see that I'd actually stuck with it and finished it! I wish she were here to celebrate when I finish it.

It is amazing how things turn out alright in the end. Through today's wonderful endevors, I met some wonderful new friends, refreshed my harried state of mind with good friends and good conversation and ended the day with a wonderful meal at Olive Garden with the most wonderful husband and children. I so enjoyed the day. It reminded me how much the time spent with those you love has got to be the priority in life. It is not enough to be so busy building careers or networking for advancement. What matters most is people and relationships. I am blessed to have won the lottery in that respect. Some interesting conversations today made my future endevors even more appealing too so that was an enexpected bonus!

Tomorrow I will post the finished sweater project and celebrate!

Day 44 - Peace comes from following your gut

There is so much to be said for faith and although I've lived like I've lost it over the past years, if I'm honest with myself, I've never stopped believing all that I've been taught. I've just stopped doing what I know I should. So it should be no surprise to me that I've reached that place where it's time to do some honest reflection and listening.

This requires quiet. That's not easy in my life. I am always moving, doing, listening, playing music, multi-tasking. I used to joke that I had become and expert at "creative avoidance." It's not funny anymore. To sit quietly with my thoughts is tough. It's really hard to hear that internal voice again. I have been silencing it for way too long.

Tonight, as I picked up Sean's afghan, I did not allow myself to think of the fact that in two short year's he'll be planning where he's going to pack it up and move it to. College is right around the corner. As row after row of consistent pattern works it's magic, I feel peace. I feel content in the joy that this product and the process by which it is made brings. I know the love that is captured in each block. I know that will follow him where ever he goes.

As the evening goes on and the noise of the FB chatter and Idol fade, I begin to hear that peaceful voice feeding my creative side again. I hear the direction it it leading me in and I am listening. Life is too short to be moving in the wrong direction or to be planted in the fear that long ago captured you. Like the pattern unfolding, that voice can create something beautiful and lovely and exactly what is was designed to create - if we could only just have fail and listen

Day 43 - Putting it all together takes courage

I finished the sleeves to Nanny's sweater. What's left to do is to attach them to the sweater, sew up the seam on each and then to knit the button band and the collar edge. As I look at the sleeves in their completion however, I realize they look all wrong. How will they ever fit and make sence? I will need to show them to the experts in my life and seek guidance.

Funny how my knitting and my real life are always so parallel. As I sat in the BOE meeting last night listening to them say "cut the music, cut the music" I realized that the parts of my life no longer make sence and fit either. For seven years I have spent most of my time and energy trying to improve the lives of the students in this town. I have creatively added the elective offerings that we needed to engage more of the student body, I have created and nurtured programs that allowed students to thrive in the arts adn the town to see and celebrate all they can achieve. For seven years I have gone to these meetings and explained all that music education has to offer these students above and beyond the simple fact of meeting graduation elective requirements. I have picked up additional performance events when parents and students begged us to do more. Last night, four lone students came out and pleaded with the board not to cut the program. Two lone music parents came to the meeting. The board voted to present a budget to the town board of finance the included the cut.

There were things said that made it clear that there was more going on than just budget needs. It was clear to me that if the town's people don't care enough to fight for the enrichment of their student's education than it's time to move on to somewhere where they do care. Teachers can not fight these battles for the parents and for the students alone.

Like my sweater, something big needs to be figured out and changed. Like my sweater, there is a real sence of urgency to get that done now! Change is always hard and scary but rarely are the important things in life easy. I know that as soon as I finish the sweater, I will always put it on and feel the love and warmth of a mother-in-law I miss dearly. I will always remember her strength and support. I will wear that sweater when I turn in my letter of resignation if it comes to that and I will wear that sweater when I start the new leg of my journey.